• "Good Bye Old Friend"
• Loving Memories: The Grieving Process
• Helping Friends Who Are Mourning
• Grief Management in Children
• Pet Loss Resources
• Suggestions for Coping with Pet Loss
• Pet Loss Myths
• A Pet's Prayer
• Pet Loss Support Discussion Group: Caring & Sharing

"Good Bye Old Friend"
A loving tribute to a special dog

The old dog lay quietly on the soft, white blanket looking up with trusting eyes at his master of thirteen years. The once proud and strong Dalmatian was now feeble and mostly deaf. The limbs that once trotted powerfully up the driveway to guide arriving cars to the house, now shook uncontrollably. The intelligent and gentle eyes that looked out from the sleek head were now mostly filled with confusion and great pain.

The old dog's master and friend held up the syringe filled with the clear, pink solution and looked at his long-time companion. "I'm going to miss you old friend," he whispered. He placed a hand on top of the broad soft head and gently stroked the great dog's velvet ears. The tail thumped weakly in response. Then with a precision that comes with long years of experience, he inserted the needle expertly into the old dog's vein and slowly depressed the plunger. A sob caught in his throat as he watched his friend crumple into the folds of the blanket. He sat and watched the chest rise and fall as he murmured gently to the dying dog. As his old protector and companion took his last breath, he placed his stethoscope to the now silent chest and listened for a moment. Then he folded a portion of the blanket over the lifeless body.

He let the other dogs in so that they might understand the new status of the household. No one knows what a dog really thinks and feels, but he felt that doing this was important. Two of the dogs ran around as if nothing new had transpired. But the smallest of them all, the one that had grown up with the old Dalmatian, lay down quietly next to the inert body and rested his tiny muzzle on the great dog's paw.

Silently he dug a grave in the wet ground, his tears mingling freely with the rain. He had picked this final resting spot carefully, placing it between two other old friends, a beloved dog and cat that the old Dalmatian had spent many happy years with.

It had not been an easy decision. He had counseled and empathized with many of his clients who had wrestled with the same choice. He himself had agonized over it for a long time. But he finally knew that he needed to help his friend escape the constant pain that all of his veterinary training and years of experience could not erase.

As the last shovelful of dirt was placed over the grave, he felt deeply saddened that he'd never again gaze upon the soft, wise eyes, but knew in his heart that his old friend was finally at peace.

The act of grieving is often complicated by feelings that perhaps we should not be "over-reacting" to the death of "just" a pet. Many friends and family members don't understand what the pet has meant to us in life and don't empathize with these very real and deep feelings. If you are having trouble coping, would like more information about the grief process, or are considering euthanasia, please call. We're here to help you.

Go to the Pet Loss Discussion Board and share your feelings about your pet.

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Loving Memories: The Grieving Process

What a wonderful responsibility we take on when we bring a pet into our lives. With the help and guidance from veterinarians, we provide a loving, safe and healthy environment for our pets who share everything with us. Pets see us through marriages, divorces, and the birth of children. Pets endure separation and welcome us back as if we. d been away forever. They are the best pals we have for accepting us as we are.

But one day, that constant will become one of our losses. And when the kind face and acceptance we used to turn to is gone, where do we go for comfort?

One of the most difficult and important parts of grief and loss is seeking to understand what has happened and that what you are feeling is all right. Your sense of loss may encompass your life and that is all right. You have that right to grieve and you can take as much time as you need. In a busy and demanding world, the trick is to take the time.

There are many stage of grief, and none of them are absolute. Time frames vary from person to person. Generally, the stages include:

1. Shock/disbelief/denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining (often with God)

4. Depression

5. Acceptance/resolution/recovery

Ideally these sages are supposed to progress from stages one through five in predictable fashion. But often this just doesn't. t happen. Many don. t go through all of the stages, and almost everyone will be thrown back into and out of these stages before the healing truly begins. You may find yourself very close to resolution when a memory or anniversary of your pet. s passing knocks you back into the anger or denial stage. Not only is this understandable but it is also a fact of life. Give yourself time.

If you feel that time is passing too painfully for you or you want some very special and caring support, there are many sources of support available to you.

• Your veterinarian. Your relationship with your veterinarian has just been very emotional and personal. Few people understand your loss like the staff who have cared for your pet and who have helped you make your decision. Some pet owners, when going through the anger stage of grief will blame their veterinarian for their loss. Talk this over with your pet. s caregiver; it may help you come to terms with that part of your loss.

• Church or Synagogue. If you have a relationship with a pastor or rabbi, don. t forget that they may be there for you. For many people, religion is a framework of life. Don. t think that they would not want to hear that you lost your pet.

• Counseling. Seeking professional help is absolutely all right and very common. Grief and depression are just as real over the loss of a pet as they are over the loss of a person. Some professionals offer pet loss support groups. At a group like this you will be with other people in the same situation as you who understand your grief and can share your experiences.

• Friends and family. Don. t overlook this resource. Many of them have been with you in your grief from the time of decision or the receipt of the terrible news. And most have known your pet as long as you have. It may be difficult to accept help, but if someone offers, think about accepting it.

Remember, with time your pain will lessen and the wounds of despair will heal. You will never forget your beloved pet; the many happy memories will always be with you.

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Helping Friends Who Are Mourning a Loss
By Larry Kaufman, M.S., LMFT

Sue, a 79-year-old widow, came home from shopping to find the front door of her house smashed in by a burglar. As upsetting as this was, she had another terrible surprise awaiting her. Her cherished parrot Petey - her companion for nearly 40 years - was missing from his opened cage. "I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack right on the spot!" she remembered, with anguish in her voice. How would you go about trying to help Sue?

When people think of pet loss they usually think of an animal dying. But there are many different types of loss and no matter how the loss occurs, the guardians of these pets often have intense reactions as a result. They may experience distress, anxiety, guilt, depression, sadness, loneliness, and other unpleasant feelings for quite some time after. How you talk to them about their feelings and reactions can make an important difference in their lives.

Some people do not take pet loss seriously. They think people are silly for grieving over a pet. They are quick to tell you to get on with your life and get another animal. They cannot understand how you can become so attached to a dog, cat, bird, or other pet. Out of fear of being put down or ridiculed, many animal lovers keep their strong feelings of attachment to their pets - and their grief in relation to them - to themselves. They are then left alone with their upsetting feelings of bereavement. This is not healthy.

As a pet loss counselor, I am frequently asked by concerned people what to say to bereaved pet "owners." Most people who have had an animal companion die - or have lost their valued relationship in some other way - appreciate these responses:

• Adopt an attitude that conveys that you are taking the distressing experience of the mourner seriously. Listen and speak with empathy, understanding, support, sensitivity and compassion.
  
  
• Show interest by asking the mourner about the circumstances of the pet's death/loss.
  
  
• Convey that you welcome hearing the stories of his/her fond memories of her/his animal friend. Ask how the pet got his or her name, and encourage the mourner to tell you how the pet became a member of the family.
  
  
• Refrain from asking if the mourner is planning on getting another pet, or suggesting where such a pet might be bought. A pet owner might feel offended by this - despite your good intentions in asking.
  
  
• Avoid the use of clichés - such as telling the mourner that time heals all wounds, or reassuring them that they will soon "get over it."
  
  
• Send the mourner a condolence card - one specifically made for pet loss, if you can find one and if it seems appropriate. Writing a thoughtful line or two (or more) on the card, in your own words, will probably be very much appreciated.
  
  
• Write down the dates that are important to the bereaved pet owner, like the dates of the pet's death, birth, adoption, etc. Consider sending a follow-up note, e-mail, or card, or making a telephone call to the mourner in remembrance of these special days.
  
  
• Send a donation, in honor of the deceased or lost pet, to an animal-related organization (such as a humane society, animal shelter, or one devoted to improving the health of animals through medical research).
  
  
• After a few weeks or months, follow up by asking the bereaved individual how she or he is doing in his/her mourning process over the loss of her/his pet. (Use the pet's name and correct gender).
  
  
• Be cautious about making assumptions on how you think the mourner might be feeling and reacting. Realize that the mourning process, as with people's responses to the death of human loved ones, can be multi-layered and highly complex. Keep in mind that everyone is unique, with her/his own needs and preferences. Good judgment is essential in dealing with people in such a vulnerable state.
  
  
• Encourage the mourner to talk to a professional if their grief is prolonged or especially intense. Psychotherapists who specialize in pet loss counseling provide a supportive, compassionate, and knowledgeable presence to anyone grieving the loss of a pet.

Suggestions for Coping with Pet Loss

• Take care of your body. The body is the container of the mind which is now feeling intense emotion. Nurturing it in the following ways will ease your grieving process.
  *Nutrition: eat healthy meals even if your appetite is reduced.
  *Sleep: be sure to get at least 5-8 hours daily, no more, no less.
  *Exercise: even walking will help your mood in this difficult time.

• Talk to people who can empathize with your grief. Consistent interaction and sharing with those you feel comfortable around will be most beneficial.

• Maintain structure in your life by continuing to do the activities you did before the loss, with the exception of those you did with or for your pet. Do not allow this major disruption to snowball into every aspect of your life. Structure will help your regain your bearings.

• Perform a ritual when you feel the time is right. Some have funerals at a pet cemetery or memorials with friends and family. Others may create a small shrine for a brief time.

• Allow yourself to feel sadness and loss. Grief is a normal response to a normal occurrence, yet each person goes through it differently. If you feel as though you cannot recover, or it you have thoughts of self-harm, contact a mental health professional immediately.

The above was written by Dr. Matt Zimmerman, a licensed psychologist practicing in Pembroke Pines, FL. He provides grief counseling and facilitates a Pet Loss and Grieving Support Group at the Broward County Humane Society.

Pet Loss Discussion Group: Sharing and Caring

Anyone who has had a pet for any length of time knows how painful it is when that beloved pet reaches the end of his or her time here with us. We are often left with questions, anger, guilt, or an overwhelming sense of loss that we are sometimes unable to cope with. Very often, sharing these feelings with others who will understand is the first step toward healing. Discussing them and realizing we are not alone helps us find strength and solace. We begin the healing process which will allow us to cherish the memories of our pets and recall them with fondness. It allows the pain to start to diminish and gives us permission to continue to love and concentrate on those still with us.

Share your feelings now, either about your own pet, or help console those who need it.

Go to the Pet Loss Discussion Board

Grief Management in Children

The death of a cherished pet creates a sense of loss for adults and produces a predictable chain of emotions. The stages of grief are typically denial, sadness, depression, guilt, anger, and, finally, relief (or recovery). However, the effects on children vary widely depending upon the child's age and maturity level. The basis for their reaction is their ability to understand death.

Two and Three Year Olds

Children who are two or three years old typically have no understanding of death. They often consider it a form of sleep. They should be told that their pet has died and will not return. Common reactions to this include temporary loss of speech and generalized distress. The two or three year old should be reassured that the pet's failure to return is unrelated to anything the child may have said or done. Typically, a child in this age range will readily accept another pet in place of the dead one.

Four, Five, and Six Year Olds

Children in this age range have some understanding of death but in a way that relates to a continued existence. The pet may be considered to be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe, and play. Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child views death as temporary. These children often feel that any anger they had for the pet may be responsible for its death. This view should be refuted because they may also translate this belief to the death of family members in the past. Some children also see death as contagious and begin to fear that their own death (or that of others) is imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not likely. Manifestations of grief often take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating, and sleeping. This is best managed by parent-child discussions that allow the child to express feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions.

Seven, Eight, and Nine Year Olds

The irreversibility of death becomes real to these children. They usually do not personalize death, thinking it cannot happen to themselves. However, some children may develop concerns about death of their parents. They may become very curious about death and its implications. Parents should be ready to respond frankly and honestly to questions that may arise. Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behavior, hypochondriacal concerns, or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over attentiveness, or clinging behavior may be seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that the symptoms may not occur immediately but several weeks or months later.

Ten and Eleven Year Olds

Children in this age range generally understand death as natural, inevitable, and universal. Consequently, these children often react to death in a manner very similar to adults.

Adolescents

Although this age group also reacts similarly to adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial. This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display. Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere grief without any outward manifestations.

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Pet Loss Resources
Helpful Reading

For Children

• The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, By Judith Viorst
• A Special Place for Charlee, By Debby Morehead
• I'll Always Love You, by Hans Wilhelm

• When Your Pet Dies: How to Cope With Your Feelings, by Jamie Quackenbush, MSW; and Denise Graveline
• A Final Act of Caring: Ending the Life of an Animal Friend, By Mary & Herb Montgomery
• Good-bye My Friend, by Mary & Herb Montgomery

Pet Bereavement Support System
A supportive environment to deal with grief and loss issues following the loss of a beloved pet.
The group leader is Cara Kaplan, ACSW, LCSW, BCD, a licensed clinical social worker with 20 years of experience.
Group meets the 1st Thursday of every month from 6 to 7 p.m.
The meetings are held in Ms. Kaplan's office in Lantana, Florida.
Call 561-641-4909 for information, help, registration, or directions.

Samaritan Counseling Centers
Phone: (561) 272-6322, Ext. 320 in South Palm Beach County,
(561) 832-7788, Ext. 320 in North Palm Beach County, or
(954) 463-6447, Ext. 320 in Broward County.

Pet Loss Support Hotlines

University of California-Davis
916-752-4200
Weekdays
6:30 - 9:30 p.m. PST

University of Florida-Gainesville
904-392-4700
Weekdays
7:00 - 9:00 p.m. EST

The Ohio State University
614-292-1823
Monday, Wednesday, Friday
6:30 - 9:30 p.m. CST

Chicago Veterinary Medical Association
708-603-3994
Leave a voice mail anytime.
Calls returned collect between
7:00 and 9:00 p.m. CST weekdays.

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Pet Loss Myths
By Larry Kaufman, M.S., LMFT

"I didn't know anyone else felt as deeply as I do towards animals" a number of people have confided in me. When it comes to your love of animals, you may not be as alone as you think! Some pet owners are extraordinarily attached and dedicated to their animal companions. So when their good (or best) friends die - or otherwise leave their lives - they are heartbroken and sometimes devastated.

Since more and more animal lovers are "coming out of the closet," fewer animal lovers are feeling as alone with their intense pet-related grief. More and more animal lovers are openly talking about their deep bonds with their furred, feathered, finned, and scaled friends. Peoples' attitudes towards pet loss have really changed in the last 40 years - especially in the last decade. Despite growing enlightenment, misperceptions about pet loss still persist. These myths hinder healthy mourning. Here are some of the myths followed by the realities.

Myth: People who experience intense grief over the loss or anticipated loss of a pet are crazy, weird, or strange.
Reality: Individuals who say this, or believe this, are judgmental. Experiencing powerful feelings of distress over the loss of a loved animal companion is, usually, normal and healthy. People who have strong feelings about the loss of a pet have them because they are capable of intimate attachments and deep emotional bonding. This is something to be proud of, not something to put down.

Myth: Pet loss is insignificant when compared to the loss of human life. To mourn the loss of a pet devalues the importance of human relationships.
Reality: The loss of a beloved animal companion can be as emotionally significant, even more significant, than the loss of a human friend or relative. People are capable of simultaneously loving and caring about both animals and humans. One doesn't have to detract from the other.

Myth: It is best to replace the lost pet as quickly as possible. This will ease the pain of loss.
Reality: Animal companions cannot be "replaced." They are not interchangeable. They are all separate, different individuals with unique personalities. People need to feel emotionally ready to get another pet before they can successfully adopt a new animal into their hearts and family. Some people attempt to avoid the mourning process by rushing out to get a "replacement" pet. This isn't good for people or for the pets.

Myth: It is best to mourn alone. This is a way to be strong and independent, and not burden others with your problems. Besides, you need to protect yourself from being ridiculed for loving and missing your special animal friend.
Reality: It takes courage to reach out to others. Mourners can greatly benefit by the empathy, caring, and understanding of supportive others. But be selective about where you turn to for help since some people do not take pet loss seriously.

Myth: Resolution and closure (a bringing to an end; conclusion) to mourning occurs when you have succeeded in having only pleasant memories of your pet.
Reality: It is rare that anyone ever achieves complete resolution or closure to a profound loss. One is left with psychological scars, if not with incompletely healed wounds. It is unrealistic to expect that you will one day be left with only pleasant memories. Besides, being left with only pleasant memories is one-sided and doesn't present a balanced view of reality - not a goal that would be healthy or valuable to pursue. One cannot fully appreciate pleasant memories unless one has unpleasant memories to contrast them with.

Myth: It is selfish to euthanize your pet.
Reality: Euthanasia is a compassionate and humane way to end the intense suffering or declining quality of life of a companion animal. Viewed in this context, it would be selfish to unnecessarily prolong the suffering of a seriously ill or injured animal. Ask yourself this: Whose needs and best interests are being served - those of the owner or animal companion?

Myth: In journeying through the bereavement process mourners go through five predictable step-by-step stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Reality: Thirty-three years ago Elisabeth Kubler-Ross presented her theory on how people who are dying cope with their upcoming deaths in her pioneering book, On Death and Dying. Neither the research literature nor the observations of therapists and scholars have supported her claims. It is more accurate to speak of the mourning process as being unique for each individual. This process proceeds through three general phases - beginning, middle, and end.

Myth: The best way to cope with unpleasant loss related feelings and thoughts is to suppress and bury them. Keep busy so as to not dwell on your troubles.
Reality: Upsetting feelings and thoughts will not just go away. They will, instead, go underground (become unconscious) and later return - causing you problems. Achieve a balance by thinking and talking about what is upsetting you when you are able, but avoid overdoing it. Know your limits.

Myth: When a person starts talking with sadness about missing his/her pet it is best to redirect their attention to pleasant memories they have about the pet.
Reality: This may be an example where the listener has good intentions but will produce bad effects by his/her response. People who talk about their unpleasant feelings are looking for a receptive ear. Redirecting the conversation or changing the subject reflects the discomfort of the listener rather than the needs of the mourner.

Myth: Time heals all wounds. Just give it enough time and you will no longer feel so bad.
Reality: Time by itself does not heal the pain of grief related loss. It's what you do with your time that matters. Some people suffer the harsh or even traumatic effects of pet loss for years, or even a lifetime. A successful course of mourning requires intentional hard work.

Myth: The best way to protect yourself from the pain of pet loss is to not get another pet.
Reality: Depriving yourself of an animal companion is a very high price to pay to help insure yourself against experiencing another painful loss. Instead, you may wish to summon up the courage to put in the effort necessary to work through your mourning related psychological issues. Despite your pains of loss you can still look forward to one day sharing happiness, pleasure, and joy, with a new and unique animal companion. It is an unfortunate fact that one of the prices we pay for loving so deeply is to suffer deeply when the bonds with our cherished animal friends are broken.

Myth: Children handle pet loss rather easily. That which occurs in childhood has little carryover into adult life.
Reality: Just because children do not react as overtly as adults, or communicate directly with words, does not mean they aren't experiencing strong reactions inside. Not infrequently, the loss of a pet (whether by death or another cause) is the first significant loss the child will have experienced. The profound effects of this loss, and how parents or other caregivers handle it, might reverberate in the child for many years to come.

Myth: It is best to protect children from the upsetting truth of what has happened to their pet.
Reality: Some parents/caregivers think they are helping their child - sparing them pain - when they do not tell him or her that their pet has died. They sometimes make up a story that they gave the pet away or that the pet ran away. What the parents don't realize in doing this is that through their well intentioned lies and deceits they are undermining the trust their child has in them, and paradoxically, causing the child much more pain in the long run. Some children, for example, will unfairly blame themselves for their pet "running away."

Myth: Pets don't mourn for other pets.
Reality: Some companion animals develop strong bonds with other pets in the household and they will show some of the same kinds of symptoms of mourning as people do - such as loss of appetite, "searching" for the missed loved one, and acting depressed.

Myth: Pet loss is something you should be able to "get over" on your own. There is no need for someone to see a professional pet loss counselor in order to deal with this.
Reality: Some people have a self-interested need for you to "get over" your pet related mourning as soon as possible, before you are ready to do so. They feel uncomfortable with your distress. If, for example, you broke an arm you would go to a physician to get help. So why wouldn't you see a human-animal bond specialist to get help for a broken heart? This can be seen as an investment in your mental health and peace of mind.

Overcoming these myths can be difficult - for maintaining these beliefs does have some advantages. But those who don't work through their feelings and reactions about mourning are likely to experience a variety of physical, intellectual, emotional, interpersonal, and spiritual symptoms later. It's very hard to learn new and healthier ways of feeling, thinking, and behaving, but the many benefits are worth the effort.

A Pet's Prayer

   Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.

   Do not break my spirit with a stick for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

    Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

    When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper.

    Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger.

   And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest and I will leave you knowing the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

Written by Beth Norman Harris